And I will be honest, it caught us a little by surprise. Kind of like when you're walking along and someone hurls a wet fish at your face and you don't even like fish. But I DO like babies. And I like MY babies especially. But the dreamy love of a newborn sometimes gets pushed out of the way of cold reality. A glance at my home, the day to day life of the Zab Clan and just what I think I am able to endure and I become overwhelmed. The blood in my veins goes icy cold and I fly into a tailspin that usually doesn't end nicely.
I know God has my back. He has been faithful through moments in my life when no one else could be. And I know He's going to help me with this one too. But because I am human, my imagination runs away with me and we are back to the doubt and the ice water and the freaking out.
Today I was granted access to my laptop whose cord has given up the ghost and I haven't yet replaced it with a functioning cord. I was looking at pictures that were trapped on here and e-mailing documents to myself. I was letting that imagination go crazy again and wondering how I was going to handle an extra person in my care without severely messing them up when I came across a photo I had never seen before that shut all those fears down.
It is Ella and Me....she is exactly 11 minutes old. We had just gotten her out after thinking we had lost her a few times. Her face was no longer blue but her hands and fingers stayed pretty blue for a good 24 hours. This picture brings me peace, hope and reminds me that they don't come out at 2 1/2 screaming bloody murder and hitting and throwing around toddler curse words because their older sister won't give them a My Little Pony they want. (Wait, that was a very specific example. Almost as if it happened this very morning. As if it happened this very morning and was then followed by Mommy yelling so loud that the next door neighbors could hear it through the walls!)It will be okay. There will be more yelling due to that "I'm human" part I talked about earlier. But there will also be moments like this picture. They will take my breath away and remind me what god has given me. What He has challenged me: To raise little people to become adults who live in the Love of Christ.
It's gonna be quite a ride!
I don't know about you, but I'm so thankful for a God who sees the WHOLE picture and knows us and what we are capable of so much better than we know ourselves.
ReplyDeleteYes, these intensive years are child training are HARD. And I often wonder what in the world I am doing here and on the worst days wish I had chosen a single life as a career woman. But then I feel my baby kick, or Sarah pats my cheeks and gives me a kiss... or one of the big kids will do something exceptionally kind for another. And then I remember this isn't about me or what I am comfortable with or capable of. This is about surrendering my life to God and letting Him have His way with me. It's about building a hope and a future.
Sometimes, I can think past these days of fighting and squabbling and constant filth all around me to the days when they leave my home. I know I'm going to miss this. But then I also think of the relationships that I hope my children have with each other as adults, especially when DH and I are gone... and I think of all the grandbabies they will bless me with... Those things make it all worth while!
Both of my inlaws are deceased. DH only has one sibling, and they do not have much of a relationship, if any. It is very lonely for him. :(
love the pic of you and 11 minute old ella. :) yes, God IS good and you know what??.....He STILL has you're back, even with #4 on his way, and even after #4 is here. :)
ReplyDeleteAwww, Congratulations, Beth! We are so excited for you to have another baby!! I can completely imagine all the other feelings that go along with it, but at the end of the road, you'll have a wonderful little person to snuggle with and keep you safe from all the terrorists that live in our houses in the form of 2, 4, and 6 year olds. Or in your case, 2, 5, and 7? (8??) year olds. I'm so bad at remembering Nate's age. I'll try to stop sucking at that, and in the meantime, hope that you can enjoy your pregnancy and get (some of) the rest you need! :)
ReplyDelete:) I love this... pictures like this make me cry. I have one similar to it, and I look at it to be reminded of that moment in time where there was such peace - tears of joy and peace! Congrats, Mama! You are such a good mama already (not to mention that you make BEAUTIFUL children!!!). :)
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