B-A-N-A-N-A WIN!

Dear Family,

I know you want banana bread.
I know that when the weather gets cold, banana bread always hits the spot.
I also know that you (aka Nathan) were disappointed when I made pound cake last night instead of banana bread.

However, choosing to not eat ANY of the 10lbs of bananas that I purchased is NOT the way to get what you want.

I will, if I have to, win this battle of wills by eating every single banana in the house which will not only provide me with a victory but also fill me with a ton of potassium that your own bodies will be lacking. That, dear family, is called a Win-Win.

(Some of you forget that I am raising you and that I always win the Battle of the Will.)

So it is up to you. The ball is in your court. Either start grabbing those bananas in the morning on your way out the door or see your mother/wife have the ability to keep a normal water balance between the cells and body fluids (according to Yahoo Answers) before your very eyes!!

Love all of you,

Mama/Bethany

Dear Christina Aguilera....

.....today was a day you will probably never forget. And I know you expected that when you were invited to sing the National Anthem for the Super Bowl.

But things didn't go so smoothly today and, well, you messed up the words.
To the National Anthem.
At a very "America is Awesome" sort of event.

I open my Facebook page and there are tons of people who are really mad.
And they are mad at you.

I just wanted to say: I am so sorry this happened to you.
And I'd want to hug you if I didn't think that I might crush you because you are such a tiny person.

The house I watched the game in was full of people who really had a lot of grace for you. We get it. It is a HUGE event, sometimes your brain is concentrating on the run of notes instead of the words.

And at least you sang words that were already IN the song. I mean, instead of "...o'er the ramparts we watched..." you sang "...what so proudly we watched...." and I am cool with that.

It's better than,
"Ben Roeth-lis-berrrrrrger is a skeeze...." or

"..."this year's aaaaaaads had better be goooood..." or

"...David should taaaaaaaake Bethany on a cruise...."
(Well that last one wouldn't be so bad.)

You responded to all the reporting with, "I can only hope that everyone could feel my love for this country and that the true spirit of its anthem still came through." And that seems classy. I hope you keep it classy. I think I have the grace to offer because, well, I've been there.

It wasn't the Super Bowl. Or the National Anthem. But it was my first solo in front of my new super-hot-boyfriend's family and they were sitting right up front where the spotlight spilled over onto them. I sang my solo, and I kept singing and I.....forgot the words. I made things up, words were substituted that may or may not have made sense and my back up singers weren't sure what to do. But buy the time the choir had to sing with me, I recovered. I finished my solo and longed for a nice cold shower to recover from the cold sweat I'd broken into.

So, Christina, ignore those who give you grief. You made a mistake. But you maintained your poise and you continued on. You didn't make a fool out of America and I doubt that you are a communist. Stay strong and maybe just study up a little more next time you have a beloved anthem to sing in front of millions of people. And maybe a nice USO tour wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Taking Care of the Mail

Dear Inventors of the Pipes That Bring Water Into My Home and the Systems That Heat the Hot Water That is Brought Into My Home,

I hope you don't mind me lumping you all together into one letter. You see, I don't really know how many of you there are. I am pretty sure at least two guys. I would check Wikipedia but there is a good chance they will try to convince me that something as amazing as hot water was invented by Scrappy Doo and everyone knows that dog really wasn't good for anything.

And I am really hoping that you are somewhere hanging out with each other, patting one another on the back in congratulations. "Hot water! Let me buy you a drink!" or "Indoor Plumbing! You are the man!"

Seriously though, you figured out a way for water to be heated and then brought into my home!

I don't have to go outside to fetch water.
And not only that, but I can make the water HOT if I want it to be! I get to take looooooooong showers till the hot water runs out. This is a beautiful thing.

So as I prepare to enjoy your invention, I wanted to be sure to be thankful for your forethought.

Sincerely,
Bethany Zabrosky

PS: Now, what did you invent that will keep my children from bugging me while I enjoy that invention?

oh, wait.


Dear Inventor of Duct Tape,

You. Are. Awesome.
(And effective.)

-BZab

Everyone Loves the Mango!

Dear About.com,

You have helped me with so many things.

When I needed quotes for a baby shower invitation, you were there.
The time I was searching for poems about sleeping children, you were there.
And once, when I was looking for witty saying about children and teachers, you didn't disappoint.

I guess I only use you for quotes and literary things........

But not today!

Today, I needed to cut a mango. And I didn't know what kind of seed or pit the mango might hide inside her. I thought it was a collection of tiny seeds.....but apparently I don't know my tropical fruit seeds very well.

About.com, you were there! You showed me how to lay the mango on it's side. You showed me how to be all fancy with the knife and cut the mango into little cubes. You made sure I didn't slice right through the pit of the mango so that my sweet girls, who saw the mango at the grocery store and begged to get it so they could "try something new," did not have a disappointing mango experience.

But About.com, you didn't mention how slippery the mango would be.





Dear Cutco Knives,

I had no idea that your serrated trimmer would hurt so much while going into my fingertip.



Love and kisses ever so much,
Bethany

Thank You.

Dear Zablets,

I don't think it is very respectful of our Veterans who fought for your freedom and safety for you to decide to wake up BEFORE 6am on a day off from school. Especially because, as it happens to be in this case, there are no Veterans currently in our home to protect your freedom OR safety from an incredibly sleepy (and potentially grumpy) mom.

*Yawn*
-Momma


Dear Veterans,

A letter of thanks could never suffice to express the thanks and appreciation I have for you. Your choice of career lends you to putting your life in the line for people you will never meet and people who might treat you poorly because of that uniform you are wearing. You and your entire family go for months at a time apart with an element of unknown and potential danger where your family and loved ones can only pray for your safety in response to your absence.

You are exposed to some of the most horrific images a person could see, endure a training so grueling and taxing and are expected to have a mind and body that can react to a myriad of situations in a split second requiring the correct response every time or lives can be lost.

When I see you in uniform, it moves me. I may not say it to those of you whom I see regularly but I hold you in very high esteem. I also hold your spouses and children in a very special place. Your sacrifice is for me! So I can speak freely. Make decisions for myself and not have to submit to an authority that doesn't represent me. Because of you, I get to speak up when I don't like something our government is doing. I get to choose everything from the kind of bread I eat, to the channels I watch to the man I want leading our country. And even when I don't agree with the bread available or the man in office, I still respect the process. The ability to stand in a tiny booth, expect total privacy and get to choose the circle I darken.

So today is your day. And there are some cool businesses that are thanking you for your sacrifices by giving you a free meal or free admission and I hope you take it. I hope that when people see you and recognize the gift you have given them, they say thank you in person.

We thank you.

The Facts of Candy

Dear Children of Poway,

You want to come to my house tonight. I give out good candy. I give out paper bags filled to overflowing of candy. It is awesome.

But you must understand, there will, under no circumstances, be ANY Resees Peanut Butter Cups in those paper bags. It's just how it is.

Love,
The Lady With Peanut Butter Cup Breath

Because I'm All About the New Math

Dear Water Rationing People,

Hi. I'm a mother of 3 kids (plus an extra one on the weekends,) I work part time, and I have VERY full life on Facebook and I wanted to talk to you about this whole 5 minute shower concept.

I am very conscious when it comes to conservation. I recycle. I don't waste food. I don't leave the faucet running when brushing my teeth or shaving. (Burt and Ernie taught me that.) I make my kids turn out the lights all the time and I always run my appliances after 7pm. In fact, most of the time they are running at 3am since that's the only time I have to even attempt to do laundry. (Wait a minute, what are we saving again? Oh yes, water.)

Lets talk about water. I wanted to know if we could reach some sort of deal on this 5 minute shower concept. I call it a concept because I am a little doubtful that you guys really put enough thought into it. Did you factor in the time it takes to wrestle open a slippery, wet shampoo bottle? Or is there any grace if you drop your washcloth and have to pick it up? Or how about if you are shampoo-ing (ohh that made me giggle) and a kid comes in to tell you that another kid took her crayons and then the crayon culprit comes in to defend himself and you are left with shampoo-d (ha! there it is again!) but unrinsed hair and holding a full court session in your bathroom? (And the defense is extremely long-winded.)

I have a deal for you. So try to keep up, Shower People.

I am thankful if I get to take a shower every other day. So, applying your math of 5 minute showers, that means I can take a 10 minute shower every other day. I would also like you to provide a credit line for those people with kids and the extra sweat they go through each day. Let's say 1 minute each kid. Now I am up to a 16 minute shower. That gets me probably washed and my hair clean (I won't make another joke about shampoo-ing....giggle) but people! I still have to exfoliate! I have to condition! I have to attempt to BE ALONE!

16 minutes so far.
Here's my next equation.

What if I bathe the kids extra quickly? Can I have their unused minutes? I mean, the baby, I could probably keep her clean with baby wipes alone, would I then get her 5 minutes? How about if I get some of that dry shampoo Heidi had and use that on Lucy's hair? And in the summer when we go swimming, that's totally a bath right there!

If my figures are correct, it looks like I am up to about 30 minutes of showering every other day.
And that equals the kind of math I can really get behind.

I hope you consider my request, Water Rationing Board and 5 Minute Showering People. And if you need to investigate my theory a little closer, I believe that the Crayon Culprit can hold his closing arguments in YOUR bathroom tomorrow morning.

Sincerely,

Bethany Zabrosky

The Nose Knows

Dear Febreze,

When you first came out a number of years ago, people thought you were amazing. You'd spray their clothes with a light scent, those clothes would get tossed in the dryer and come out looking like they'd JUST been laundered! AMAZING.

And then you had stuff to spray on your COUCH! And your CARPET! AMAZING!

But, Febreze, I really think you should have thought this whole "scent thing" through a little more. You see, when you first appeared in the Target laundry aisle and I was a brand new housewife, I used you everywhere. On the clothes, on the bed, on the couch. I think I bought every different variation of your brand. And now that I am a not so brand new housewife (and frankly have an even greater need for your smelling good and anti-allergen abilities) I have a problem with the scent of you.

The scent of Febreze= DIRTY CLOTHES.

Now, if I grab a cute top I wore for 2 hours 3 days ago, spray, it tumble it and wear it for a night out with the girls, I am going to think of my laundry pile outside the washing machine that never gets smaller. I picture that pair of jeans I am trying to squeeze one more wear out of. Dirty work clothes, sweaty T-Ball gear, stinky toddler socks all swirl around my head in a Looney Tunes fashion. And because of that, I can't use you!

My suggestion?
Make Febreze to smell exactly like major detergent brands. If I spray and tumble and pull out a shirt that smells like Tide, I am one happy gal! If I can walk out the door with clothes that smell like Gain or Surf or All then I won't be thinking of dirty laundry while I sip a Manhattan at Bing Crosby's, I will be able to clearly form a plan to steal the shoes one of my friends might be wearing. (I love shoes.)

In conclusion Febreze, I think a move in this direction might be just what the laundry aisle needs to shake things up. This might cause women to EEK! out loud while picking up dryer sheets. (Hey, that's another scent you could adopt!) You never know, Febreze, sometimes it doesn't take much to brighten our day.

Sincerely,

A Woman Who takes Her Laundry Scents Just a Little Too Seriously