Working toward that goal one day at a time.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Even Though....
...we JUST had a decently sized argument, took care of what we needed to take care of and are all better now, I still cannot resist posting this.
Working toward that goal one day at a time.
Working toward that goal one day at a time.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
I Give You My Peace
I have some links for you guys. I had originally posted them on my Facebook wall but as I looked through the images, some of them, honestly, were a little too disturbing/upsetting to put out on FB like that. However, some of them are breathtakingly beautiful and stunning and gutwrenching and.......wow, it has been quite a year in this world. I can't not share them.
There are 3 Parts:
The Year in Photos Part 1 of 3
The Year in Photos Part 2 of 3
The Year in Photos Part 3 of 3
I don't know why my reaction to some of these surprised me so much but I just found myself thankful that God sees all of this and knows what we are going through.
He has a solution,
a light at the end of the tunnel, if you will, that is available to everyone.
There are days that I find myself feeling much like the Israelites might have been when Jesus first came:
Save me Jesus! Take me away from here!
But what if He did that every time we called out to Him? Who would step up and be Light in a world of darkness, evil, tragedy, selfishness and sin? Who would be the Hope?
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
It's a promise. We have images like the ones I linked to going on all around us. More than images, events. Events so graphic that they will forever attempt to poison our hearts.
But take heart! The Lord has overcome! He has warned us it will not be easy but He reminds us to have Hope. He even tells us the end of the story! (See the Book of Revelation.)
So despite the fact that you can find end of the year lists for some of the worst and saddest news stories of the year but have a hard time finding even one story containing the Uplifting News Stories of 2011 (perhaps for a blog post you are currently writing) I still encourage you to take heart! HE has overcome the world!!
There are 3 Parts:
The Year in Photos Part 1 of 3
The Year in Photos Part 2 of 3
The Year in Photos Part 3 of 3
I don't know why my reaction to some of these surprised me so much but I just found myself thankful that God sees all of this and knows what we are going through.
He has a solution,
a light at the end of the tunnel, if you will, that is available to everyone.
There are days that I find myself feeling much like the Israelites might have been when Jesus first came:
Save me Jesus! Take me away from here!
But what if He did that every time we called out to Him? Who would step up and be Light in a world of darkness, evil, tragedy, selfishness and sin? Who would be the Hope?
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
It's a promise. We have images like the ones I linked to going on all around us. More than images, events. Events so graphic that they will forever attempt to poison our hearts.
But take heart! The Lord has overcome! He has warned us it will not be easy but He reminds us to have Hope. He even tells us the end of the story! (See the Book of Revelation.)
So despite the fact that you can find end of the year lists for some of the worst and saddest news stories of the year but have a hard time finding even one story containing the Uplifting News Stories of 2011 (perhaps for a blog post you are currently writing) I still encourage you to take heart! HE has overcome the world!!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Having a Baby After Losing a Baby
Today is the final NaBloPoMo post and the final of my sometimes series on Confessions. And this one is kind of a big one.
I have been trying to figure out if I wanted to write about this or not and ultimately decided that I am going to write, not really re-read and do my best to not delete. I just want to get my thoughts and answers out there despite the jumbled, exhausted, twitchy, insomnia'd person who is doing the typing. (That person is me.)
We are 27 weeks pregnant now.
I have passed the one year mark of when I delivered Elijah and I was pregnant on that day. We have long passed the 16/18 week mark of Elijah's gestational age with this child. And, I am not carrying a boy.
Confession: I miss my son. Achingly so, on some days. It is possible to find me crying over our loss while driving and listening to any number of songs about Heaven. Or while looking at drawings of "Our Family" done by my children with Elijah included and hanging out in the clouds.
When we told people we were expecting this baby I am carrying now, I saw in many eyes, in the very background after expressing their joy, the question: Are you okay with this?
Most days: Yes.
Very few days: NO.
But how can I express the grab bag of feelings that comes with knowing that if Elijah had survived, this little girl currently being knit together would not exist? How do I express joy over my new sweet life when it only is possible because of the expiration of another soul?
Simply stated, I cannot.
There is no way to accurately document, report, communicate the myriad of sorrow and joy.
In September, my sister delivered her first child. It was only the second childbirth I got to watch and it was the most amazing thing to see her accomplish. Joshua Jordan gets his middle name from me just as my own Lucy Joy gets her middle name from my sister. And when they settled on that name, it was overwhelming to know that there was a being on the earth who was my namesake. I told Kristy that it is almost too much pressure to put on a person!
It was a few hours before I got to hold Joshua. Kristy and her hubby Kris were in their recovery room getting all settled in, all the grandmas had their snuggles and it was my turn. Kris's mother placed Joshua in my arms, the first newborn I had held in a very long time, and I choked on my emotions. I cried at his beauty, I cried at the amazing man I can already tell he will one day become. I cried because I was holding proof of God granting second chances.
And I cried because he wasn't MY newborn son.
I turned away, so very aware of all the eyes in the room on me. My sister knew-she always knows, even moments after giving birth-what I was struggling with. I wanted to take the baby and run out the door. Spend some time with him all alone and cry and cry and cry. But that was not an option. Instead, I swallowed the feelings as best I could so I wouldn't make a spectacle of myself and handed Joshua over to the next person in line.
That night, in my hotel room, I cried for hours. It was the sad, bitter, pity cry you have for yourself. It felt selfish and did not contain emotions I felt I could express in the daytime. I was feeling very sorry for myself and then angry at myself for being so selfish and then the sorry would wash all my chastising away and I would return to my pity.
I wrote a long e-mail to David, tried to convey everything I was feeling and that helped me to calm down.
I spoke to God in long run-on sentences that may or may not have made sense and were punctuated with the closing of my tired eyes.
And I slept.
When I woke up, I found the pity had diminished. I was thankful to go and visit my nephew. when I held him I felt that sense of completeness that comes with a newborn. I held him as if my arms had been longing for this little nephew all of my life.
God heard me. Saw me. Cared for me.
So as I continue on with this pregnancy, it is not unusual for my sister to get a text saying, "I think I might actually have this baby!" Not in a crass way but in a surprising way. My experiences with Elijah have left me raw but they also left me knowing to appreciate every moment. Even the current ones filled with exhaustion but no sleep and kicking and rolling and stretching. Each movement of this little girl is exactly what I am supposed to be feeling and I enjoy it knowing that at any moment, it could be lost.
If my pregnancy, dear reader, has caused you to wonder how I am handling another pregnancy so close to come after losing Elijah, then I would like to give you the "Yes I am fine/No, I am not fine" answer which is fairly unsatisfactory as far as an answer goes.
Instead, I will answer any question with honesty and I will be sure to add on that
God is Good. He has taken care of me in the time of my greatest need and I can trust Him with the life of this girl. Not because I "know" everything will be okay "because God wouldn't allow me to lose 2 kids in a row...." but because I know God loves me. He has proved it time and time again.
And a God who loves me will never hang me out to dry.
I have been trying to figure out if I wanted to write about this or not and ultimately decided that I am going to write, not really re-read and do my best to not delete. I just want to get my thoughts and answers out there despite the jumbled, exhausted, twitchy, insomnia'd person who is doing the typing. (That person is me.)
We are 27 weeks pregnant now.
I have passed the one year mark of when I delivered Elijah and I was pregnant on that day. We have long passed the 16/18 week mark of Elijah's gestational age with this child. And, I am not carrying a boy.
Confession: I miss my son. Achingly so, on some days. It is possible to find me crying over our loss while driving and listening to any number of songs about Heaven. Or while looking at drawings of "Our Family" done by my children with Elijah included and hanging out in the clouds.
When we told people we were expecting this baby I am carrying now, I saw in many eyes, in the very background after expressing their joy, the question: Are you okay with this?
Most days: Yes.
Very few days: NO.
But how can I express the grab bag of feelings that comes with knowing that if Elijah had survived, this little girl currently being knit together would not exist? How do I express joy over my new sweet life when it only is possible because of the expiration of another soul?
Simply stated, I cannot.
There is no way to accurately document, report, communicate the myriad of sorrow and joy.
In September, my sister delivered her first child. It was only the second childbirth I got to watch and it was the most amazing thing to see her accomplish. Joshua Jordan gets his middle name from me just as my own Lucy Joy gets her middle name from my sister. And when they settled on that name, it was overwhelming to know that there was a being on the earth who was my namesake. I told Kristy that it is almost too much pressure to put on a person!
It was a few hours before I got to hold Joshua. Kristy and her hubby Kris were in their recovery room getting all settled in, all the grandmas had their snuggles and it was my turn. Kris's mother placed Joshua in my arms, the first newborn I had held in a very long time, and I choked on my emotions. I cried at his beauty, I cried at the amazing man I can already tell he will one day become. I cried because I was holding proof of God granting second chances.
And I cried because he wasn't MY newborn son.
I turned away, so very aware of all the eyes in the room on me. My sister knew-she always knows, even moments after giving birth-what I was struggling with. I wanted to take the baby and run out the door. Spend some time with him all alone and cry and cry and cry. But that was not an option. Instead, I swallowed the feelings as best I could so I wouldn't make a spectacle of myself and handed Joshua over to the next person in line.
That night, in my hotel room, I cried for hours. It was the sad, bitter, pity cry you have for yourself. It felt selfish and did not contain emotions I felt I could express in the daytime. I was feeling very sorry for myself and then angry at myself for being so selfish and then the sorry would wash all my chastising away and I would return to my pity.
I wrote a long e-mail to David, tried to convey everything I was feeling and that helped me to calm down.
I spoke to God in long run-on sentences that may or may not have made sense and were punctuated with the closing of my tired eyes.
And I slept.
When I woke up, I found the pity had diminished. I was thankful to go and visit my nephew. when I held him I felt that sense of completeness that comes with a newborn. I held him as if my arms had been longing for this little nephew all of my life.
God heard me. Saw me. Cared for me.
So as I continue on with this pregnancy, it is not unusual for my sister to get a text saying, "I think I might actually have this baby!" Not in a crass way but in a surprising way. My experiences with Elijah have left me raw but they also left me knowing to appreciate every moment. Even the current ones filled with exhaustion but no sleep and kicking and rolling and stretching. Each movement of this little girl is exactly what I am supposed to be feeling and I enjoy it knowing that at any moment, it could be lost.
If my pregnancy, dear reader, has caused you to wonder how I am handling another pregnancy so close to come after losing Elijah, then I would like to give you the "Yes I am fine/No, I am not fine" answer which is fairly unsatisfactory as far as an answer goes.
Instead, I will answer any question with honesty and I will be sure to add on that
God is Good. He has taken care of me in the time of my greatest need and I can trust Him with the life of this girl. Not because I "know" everything will be okay "because God wouldn't allow me to lose 2 kids in a row...." but because I know God loves me. He has proved it time and time again.
And a God who loves me will never hang me out to dry.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
An Ode to the Power of a New White Tee
An Ode to the Power of a New White Tee
Oh new white tee
Purchased from Target
(As is the way)
I clip your tags off in anticipation
I get giddy as I peel the size sticker off the front of you
(thankful that I remembered before wearing you out.)
What is the power a new white tee has?
That first time it is worn,
before the washing machine dulls it,
before the dryer disfigures it,
before your Green Tea Latte (with soy) stains it,
it is a feeling of style.
The jeans fit better,
the shoes look cuter,
the accessories are accessories-ier.
White Tee from Target, I wore you today.
My make up worked.
The baby belly popped in all the right places.
I didn't even spill on you.
I should wash you, but perhaps I can squeeze in one more wear.
I just have to wait long enough
so no one will notice.
Oh new white tee
Purchased from Target
(As is the way)
I clip your tags off in anticipation
I get giddy as I peel the size sticker off the front of you
(thankful that I remembered before wearing you out.)
What is the power a new white tee has?
That first time it is worn,
before the washing machine dulls it,
before the dryer disfigures it,
before your Green Tea Latte (with soy) stains it,
it is a feeling of style.
The jeans fit better,
the shoes look cuter,
the accessories are accessories-ier.
White Tee from Target, I wore you today.
My make up worked.
The baby belly popped in all the right places.
I didn't even spill on you.
I should wash you, but perhaps I can squeeze in one more wear.
I just have to wait long enough
so no one will notice.
Monday, November 28, 2011
145 BPM
Got to pay a little visit to Labor and Delivery today.
I won't make you do the math, I am only 27 weeks along (tomorrow) so that is like a hundred weeks too early.
And before you start flipping out, I should say that everything is fine.
Everything is great!
We (and I mean ME) were concerned that we (me) might be leaking a little amniotic fluid. (I shall spare you the nitty gritty, I already had to give far too many details to my dad on the phone earlier tonight.)
I assumed I would just head to the doc and they'd have me walk through some sort of amniotic fluid scanner (like an airport metal detector) and then we'd have a good laugh about how silly I was being and then they'd buy me Starbucks and I would go home.
Instead they said that they wanted me to go to the big L and D. This is not a place I wanted to be....not for a good 3 months at least. But off I went.
The fun in getting there included getting a little lost downtown (I don't usually drive myself to the hospital) and then helping a very colorfully worded lady with the automated parking payment machine and then hitting the "door close" button on the elevator before the creepy guy who was walking behind me had a chance to hop in. Then I felt bad for being so judgmental so I pushed the button as I got out to send the elevator back down to him.
Everything moved along quite quickly. Too quickly, actually. At one point, while I was in my fancy-you-will-see-these-on-the-runway-this-year hospital gown with the baby monitor while my little girl made that heart of hers beat like a pro, I found myself more relaxed than I had been in a long time. The room was lit very dimly, it was very quiet....it was kind of nice. I didn't even turn on the TV which is really a shocker.
Docs came and did all sorts of things including an external ultrasound in which they declared that I looked just right and the baby kicked her foot super high in the air. (Not even kidding.)
I was so thankful for modern medicine declaring me to be a worrywart. The docs were kind enough to tell me that it was good that I came in and to always be safe rather than sorry. I did have a degree of peace going into it and found that my biggest fear was the requirement of non-stress tests 2x a week for the next 3 months. None of that was necessary and all I left with was a feeling of peace (and the desire to fill up my cup with more of the yummy crunchy ice.)
Confession: Wouldn't mind the need to hang out in a darkened, quiet room for a few hours again before this baby comes. It was some of the best relaxing I have done in weeks.
Follow Up Thought: Perhaps the inside of a massage room would be a better place than a hospital bed?
I won't make you do the math, I am only 27 weeks along (tomorrow) so that is like a hundred weeks too early.
And before you start flipping out, I should say that everything is fine.
Everything is great!
We (and I mean ME) were concerned that we (me) might be leaking a little amniotic fluid. (I shall spare you the nitty gritty, I already had to give far too many details to my dad on the phone earlier tonight.)
I assumed I would just head to the doc and they'd have me walk through some sort of amniotic fluid scanner (like an airport metal detector) and then we'd have a good laugh about how silly I was being and then they'd buy me Starbucks and I would go home.
Instead they said that they wanted me to go to the big L and D. This is not a place I wanted to be....not for a good 3 months at least. But off I went.
The fun in getting there included getting a little lost downtown (I don't usually drive myself to the hospital) and then helping a very colorfully worded lady with the automated parking payment machine and then hitting the "door close" button on the elevator before the creepy guy who was walking behind me had a chance to hop in. Then I felt bad for being so judgmental so I pushed the button as I got out to send the elevator back down to him.
Everything moved along quite quickly. Too quickly, actually. At one point, while I was in my fancy-you-will-see-these-on-the-runway-this-year hospital gown with the baby monitor while my little girl made that heart of hers beat like a pro, I found myself more relaxed than I had been in a long time. The room was lit very dimly, it was very quiet....it was kind of nice. I didn't even turn on the TV which is really a shocker.
Docs came and did all sorts of things including an external ultrasound in which they declared that I looked just right and the baby kicked her foot super high in the air. (Not even kidding.)
I was so thankful for modern medicine declaring me to be a worrywart. The docs were kind enough to tell me that it was good that I came in and to always be safe rather than sorry. I did have a degree of peace going into it and found that my biggest fear was the requirement of non-stress tests 2x a week for the next 3 months. None of that was necessary and all I left with was a feeling of peace (and the desire to fill up my cup with more of the yummy crunchy ice.)
Confession: Wouldn't mind the need to hang out in a darkened, quiet room for a few hours again before this baby comes. It was some of the best relaxing I have done in weeks.
Follow Up Thought: Perhaps the inside of a massage room would be a better place than a hospital bed?
Sunday, November 27, 2011
STUFFING UPDATE!!
It tastes good!! Now, it has bite because I was a little heavy handed with the onions but........the stuffing is Not Gross!!
When I was getting ready to cook, I donned my favorite apron and piled my hair high in a top knot. The kids came in the kitchen and said that I looked like a "real baker person!" Nathan said that I didn't look like his Mom.
I couldn't get a good shot of both the apron and the top knot so you get 2-TWO-pictures!!
The sounds of Zabsgiving are alive!!
"Lucy, you can't have any more celery, I need it. No, you can't have any of THAT celery either, it has raw turkey juice on it.........because then you will get sick, that's why."
"Yeah!!"
"Ohhh c'mon!"
"How did he miss that?!"
"That's it, drop him like a bad habit!"
(Chargers vs Broncos....all of that was hollered by my son who has recently discovered what a tension relief yelling at football players can be.)
"David, will you be sure that Nathan is still breathing? Is he going to have a heart attack? The game has only been going for 20 minutes."
"Mama? Will you help me with my Princess Dress/Apron/Snow White skirt/tights/crown?"
20 minutes left till we check the bird. Potatoes are on the stove and I am just leaving the stuffing in the oven till it's time to eat. I really think it will be a Stove Top Zabsgiving.
"Lucy, you can't have any more celery, I need it. No, you can't have any of THAT celery either, it has raw turkey juice on it.........because then you will get sick, that's why."
"Yeah!!"
"Ohhh c'mon!"
"How did he miss that?!"
"That's it, drop him like a bad habit!"
(Chargers vs Broncos....all of that was hollered by my son who has recently discovered what a tension relief yelling at football players can be.)
"David, will you be sure that Nathan is still breathing? Is he going to have a heart attack? The game has only been going for 20 minutes."
"Mama? Will you help me with my Princess Dress/Apron/Snow White skirt/tights/crown?"
20 minutes left till we check the bird. Potatoes are on the stove and I am just leaving the stuffing in the oven till it's time to eat. I really think it will be a Stove Top Zabsgiving.
Wow those are pretty!!
The Brussels Sprouts are for Lu who loves to try anything and everything. Whenever we are in the store together, she begs me to get some so I surprised her.
I am just sauteing them in olive oil, pepper and garlic powder. I hope she likes them but if not, it was still worth it for the giant hug I got when she saw them in the fridge.
I sat down. That was a mistake.
Food remaining.....
-mashed potatoes
-fried corn (special recipe from my Gma that turns regular corn into a sweet, gooey yumminess)
-brussel sprouts
Food prepared.....
-cranberry sauce (from scratch!)
Food cooking.....
-turkey
-stuffing
I might have to enlist the Turkey Prep Guy into getting me off my rear end.
Food remaining.....
-mashed potatoes
-fried corn (special recipe from my Gma that turns regular corn into a sweet, gooey yumminess)
-brussel sprouts
Food prepared.....
-cranberry sauce (from scratch!)
Food cooking.....
-turkey
-stuffing
I might have to enlist the Turkey Prep Guy into getting me off my rear end.
Okay, tearing the bread for stuffing is tedious work. Why didn't I have the girls do this?
I think I have too many veggies and not enough bread. Hoping the stuffing recipe is forgiving. I also have 2 boxes of Stove Top ready to go just in case.
We have basted with herb butter twice and it sure smells amazing! I am running out but will just switch to regular butter when that happens.
I am creating a LOT of dishes. Those of you who have my hubby's number should text and tell him to volunteer for dish duty...........
Dear Pampered Chef Chopper,
You mangled my green onions. I had to pull you out of the game and call in the Cutco Knife. I am really disappointed.
-Bethany
PS: I want to take a class and learn better knife skills.
PPS: Who forgot to pay attention to the turkey cook temp and the stuffing cook temp and is now wondering if the stuffing will still cook well if it is cooked 25° cooler than the recipe calls for?
The bird is in!
We are doing things a little different this year. Instead of our usual bag and onion inside with olive oil and rosemary outside, we went with the Bobby Flay method: Herb Butter (rosemary, sage, parsley and thyme) rubbed inside and the bird is filled with carrots, celery and onions. Herb butter all over the outside and sitting in a little chicken stock-no bag.
The no bag part is the most exciting.
I will baste every 30 minutes with Herb Butter and wonder just how it is that I burn myself in the same place on my arm every year.
Live Blogging Zabsgiving.....
Zabsgiving is the day I prepare a Thanksgiving meal for my family. We have what we want, the way we want it and I pull out a little inner Homemaker. Thought I might live blog the adventure as it unfolds......
W
The cornbread and white bread for my first attempt at home made stuffing wasn't stale enough so we are broiling it to get a good crunch. Don't tell me if this is the wrong thing to do. I don't want to know.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Saturday Soundbites
I had the chance to sing on a cruise ship today accompanied by a very talented piano player in a lounge filled with only my family......and I chickened out. It made me realize a few things, the most important being: I really need to always have a song ready so I can say to a piano player "Gimmie 'Slow Boat to China' in G and keep it moving."
(Confession: I suspect I will always regret not just taking the chance and DOING it. What did I have to lose? A little pride. What did I have to gain? An AMAZING experience.)
The light at the end of the Photo Editing Tunnel is visible. It is the size of a pin but it's there.
A last minute change in the number of guests for one of our many Thanksgivings plus a VERY sleepy pregnant lady clicking around the Vons.com window plus the same pregnant lady not realizing her Vons.com cart already had some random items in it resulted in the following being delivered to my house via Vons.com and hubby: 1 container Breyers Vanilla ice cream, 1 container Breyers Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, 1 container Chocolate ice cream, 1 pumpkin cheesecake, 1 pumpkin pie, and 2 packages of Nutter Butter cookies. I also purposely had 2 different kinds of egg nog delivered for my Mister who loves the stuff. The night we found our cupboards bursting with treats, the kids asked what they could have for dessert. We answered, "Anything you want!"
When I typed out that list of goodies, I unintentionally used 3 different capitalizations on each of the times I typed "ice cream."
ice cream
Ice Cream
ice Cream
The NaBloPoMo Light at the end of the tunnel is also visible. But this light is much more bittersweet.
Today I took what just might be one of my most favoritest pictures of me and my Little-big man today.......
(Confession: I suspect I will always regret not just taking the chance and DOING it. What did I have to lose? A little pride. What did I have to gain? An AMAZING experience.)
The light at the end of the Photo Editing Tunnel is visible. It is the size of a pin but it's there.
A last minute change in the number of guests for one of our many Thanksgivings plus a VERY sleepy pregnant lady clicking around the Vons.com window plus the same pregnant lady not realizing her Vons.com cart already had some random items in it resulted in the following being delivered to my house via Vons.com and hubby: 1 container Breyers Vanilla ice cream, 1 container Breyers Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, 1 container Chocolate ice cream, 1 pumpkin cheesecake, 1 pumpkin pie, and 2 packages of Nutter Butter cookies. I also purposely had 2 different kinds of egg nog delivered for my Mister who loves the stuff. The night we found our cupboards bursting with treats, the kids asked what they could have for dessert. We answered, "Anything you want!"
When I typed out that list of goodies, I unintentionally used 3 different capitalizations on each of the times I typed "ice cream."
ice cream
Ice Cream
ice Cream
The NaBloPoMo Light at the end of the tunnel is also visible. But this light is much more bittersweet.
Today I took what just might be one of my most favoritest pictures of me and my Little-big man today.......
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