Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Because I'm All About the New Math

Dear Water Rationing People,

Hi. I'm a mother of 3 kids (plus an extra one on the weekends,) I work part time, and I have VERY full life on Facebook and I wanted to talk to you about this whole 5 minute shower concept.

I am very conscious when it comes to conservation. I recycle. I don't waste food. I don't leave the faucet running when brushing my teeth or shaving. (Burt and Ernie taught me that.) I make my kids turn out the lights all the time and I always run my appliances after 7pm. In fact, most of the time they are running at 3am since that's the only time I have to even attempt to do laundry. (Wait a minute, what are we saving again? Oh yes, water.)

Lets talk about water. I wanted to know if we could reach some sort of deal on this 5 minute shower concept. I call it a concept because I am a little doubtful that you guys really put enough thought into it. Did you factor in the time it takes to wrestle open a slippery, wet shampoo bottle? Or is there any grace if you drop your washcloth and have to pick it up? Or how about if you are shampoo-ing (ohh that made me giggle) and a kid comes in to tell you that another kid took her crayons and then the crayon culprit comes in to defend himself and you are left with shampoo-d (ha! there it is again!) but unrinsed hair and holding a full court session in your bathroom? (And the defense is extremely long-winded.)

I have a deal for you. So try to keep up, Shower People.

I am thankful if I get to take a shower every other day. So, applying your math of 5 minute showers, that means I can take a 10 minute shower every other day. I would also like you to provide a credit line for those people with kids and the extra sweat they go through each day. Let's say 1 minute each kid. Now I am up to a 16 minute shower. That gets me probably washed and my hair clean (I won't make another joke about shampoo-ing....giggle) but people! I still have to exfoliate! I have to condition! I have to attempt to BE ALONE!

16 minutes so far.
Here's my next equation.

What if I bathe the kids extra quickly? Can I have their unused minutes? I mean, the baby, I could probably keep her clean with baby wipes alone, would I then get her 5 minutes? How about if I get some of that dry shampoo Heidi had and use that on Lucy's hair? And in the summer when we go swimming, that's totally a bath right there!

If my figures are correct, it looks like I am up to about 30 minutes of showering every other day.
And that equals the kind of math I can really get behind.

I hope you consider my request, Water Rationing Board and 5 Minute Showering People. And if you need to investigate my theory a little closer, I believe that the Crayon Culprit can hold his closing arguments in YOUR bathroom tomorrow morning.


Bethany Zabrosky


  1. I totally agree. It's the ALONE part that really gets me.

  2. Can we provide gift certificates for people on their birthdays and Christmas? You know, give a gift that keeps on giving. I'd give you a certificate for a credit of 2 minutes per day for the month of March. I think thats fair.

  3. LOL... a truly brilliant read!!! And I love that I am so sadly emersed into t.v. pop culture that I actually knew what you were referring to when you mentioned "that dry shampoo Heidi had"!!!

  4. Well said, plus you need l-o-n-g hair credit-Bald people don't need as much water wither.

  5. There's a board of childless men sitting somewhere saying, "A child cannot possibly be a lawyer, and therefore would not be able to present closing arguments in any court session. That does not make sense and is not possible. I do not know to what this woman is referring."

  6. seriously, five minute showers??? Um, I need five minutes alone to shave one leg.