Friday, January 04, 2008

How to Become Harold Crick

Forgive me readers for I have not has been 25 days since my last blog.

The last 3 months of 2007 held much for me.
I photographed 30 families,
lost my grandmother,
directed 2 different productions,
saw my mother get married,
suffered a severe panic attack,
was the featured singer for our women's dessert,
trained extensively on the "Fat Frog" lighting board,
attended 3 Thanksgivings,
hosted one on my own,
filled out (but didn't mail--yet) 50+ Christmas Cards,
grew a baby
drove over 1000 miles to ring in 2008 with dear friends.

There is so much to talk about, so much to say. So many pictures that beg to be shared and even more concepts to destroy with my snarky comments. But as I round the end of one year and begin a new one, the moment begs for a little reflection.

2007 was, in all honesty, one of the hardest years of my entire life. It rivals only one other in my 30 years. God has allowed me to be pushed, pulled, stretched and grown-all while kicking and screaming to many of you with the discovery of each "stretch mark," if you will. The year has driven me to my knees in exhaustion and tears and to the brink of panic and wondering if I was even worth existing on the face of this earth.

We got halfway through the year and I saw light. I saw hope. And then More came my way in waves. These incidences weren't as life changing right away but they carried a permanence that terrified me and left me with more questions that I could even begin to ask God...or anyone else with an inkling of wisdom.

2007 changed me as a person. I saw myself as a capable, strong woman who knew what she wanted and knew how to get it done. While I was certainly no cutthroat or even the most efficient of people I knew, when it came to what I was good at, you can bet it would get done they way I wanted it. No excuses, no dropped balls and no apologies. As I was continually broken down as the year continued, I saw who I was crumble at my feet. I became weak. I was inefficient. My house grew out of control, the things I loved, thirsted for, longed to accomplish were nothing to me. I lost joy in almost everything I once found getting me out of bed each day. I feel I owe an apology to the people I have met this year because I feel they have not received an accurate picture of who I am and who I can be when I am not pummeled to death by circumstances.

All of that being said...

I wouldn't ask for one thing to be different.
Were I to change the circumstances that have shattered me and caused me to change and stressed me to the breaking point, that would mean:

-I would not have a relationship with one of the most wonderful boys God ever put on this planet
-In turn I would not have met and embraced new friends who, while we do not share blood, find that sharing a love for a boy is enough to call each other family.
-Whole moments with God would have been left unmet. Therefore conversations I have had with others would be left unsaid and growth in my own life would not exist.
-I would not have a wonderful, special, God planned little girl coming my way in February

This is naming only a few.

My dear friend Sooz suggested a movie to me last year that, when I watched it, honestly changed my life. I got to watch it again this past weekend not only with Sooz, but with David and 3 other friends who have had their own breaking version of 2007 like I have. I found, once again, that "Stranger Than Fiction" holds the most amazing reminder of truth in it's last lines. I sobbed at the ending this last time, understanding it even more deeply than when I first saw it.

"Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true. And, so it was, a wristwatch saved Harold Crick."

It is the Bavarian sugar cookies that saved my life this year.
This blog was one of them. My dear friends are another. The trip to Reno I just returned from. My strong rock of a husband, the people in my church who love me beyond what I thought imaginable and a God who is so much bigger than I if I would just let Him BE that way in my own life.

I am not better. I am different. I am not the kind of mother I hope to be...I need to find the patience I once had. I need to not allow disappointment in my own life get in the way of my obligations to others. I must be sure to realize it is not all about me.

2008 has already disappointed. When we got home, my house wasn't cleaner. I have already yelled at the kids more than I'd like and I don't think I have snuggled David as much as I should. But there is tomorrow, and the knowledge that each day has Bavarian sugar cookies just waiting for me to enjoy.

May 2008 hold more cookies than you ever thought existed. And if you don't think they are there, just look for them. Sometimes it is the little ones that were completely unexpected that taste the yummiest.


  1. I love this, I adore you! You are an amazing woman, you truly are. I stand in awe of you on a regular basis. I too know what it's like to finally let down our guard and say "Lord you are bigger than all of this and I give it to you".

    Here is to a fabulous 08' filled with wonderful amazing things that can't even be imagined at this moment, but will change and mold you. (Plus lots of cookies :) :))

  2. I lubs you. And that is all.

  3. I've missed you in the blogosphere :) and your snarky comments. and your humor. Here's to new adventures in 2008...

  4. Beautifully put. I love your heart, and what God is doing in you. Thank you for being my "internet" friend.

  5. *sigh* best movie ever. I still love it. Miss you guys! The house seems empty...

  6. I just can't even tell you... no words... in awe... have to call...

  7. I love this blog post. It's amazingly wonderful. I love it. I love that movie so much, but now I think I love it so much more...

    This post was truly wonderful. Truly amazing. There aren't words... having had a hellish year as well, this post was perfect for the very moment in which I read it! Thank you!

  8. I love this and I love you.. This really put things into perspective.. Something WONDERFUL comes out of EVERYTHING!!

  9. Bavarian sugar cookies...yep, looking for tem right now.

    Thank you. For your strength and humor, love and tenderness, even in those utter moments of pure disappointment, and frustration it still shows, you are still you after all, and those qualities are from deep inside you...they show, even through the circumstances that the enemy throws at us to bring us down..but you and I know, it brings us down to our knees, where we belong anyway.

    Love you

  10. Okay, so I finally made my way here to this beautifully written blog of yours that just made me cry. Thanks for suggesting this movie to me the other day because I love finding and adding my own interpretations to movies like this. And this one was a good one to disect because it made me go "mmmmm".

    I hope that the cookies you were given in '07 will bring you streangth in '08. You are an amazingly strong women and one that many of us admire.

    Love you.