The One Where I...Well, You'll See.

Far be it for me to allow the myth of my constant state of poise and grace to continue, I now present:

Bethany's Most Embarrassing Moment

(I know, you are thinking that the last few posts of horrible poetry should be the story but I can actually even beat THAT!)

I had European History with Mr. Stahnke, a man who looked kind of like Sean Connery and had an odd obsession with Star Trek: The Next Generation. Or at least I know he had a stand up cardboard cutout of one of the characters in the classroom sometimes.

I'd had Mr. Stahnke for US History and I actually did like him. He was good teacher, made things interesting and made us watch Rick Steves videos which can be classified as the best piece of Campy Public Television EVER.

However, regardless of how much I really did LIKE his class, it was almost always trumped by the fact that I HATE studying. I really stink at it and I can't ever remember anything AND I had a cutie cutie blonde guy that was hanging around my house that I would rather spend time with.

During a Rick Steves video on how to talk European locals into inviting you and an entire camera crew in your house and eating all of your weird European food, I was zoning in and out. The girl who sat behind me in class liked to play with my long hair during the videos and it almost always sent me to sleep. I did my best to stay awake.

Once the video was over, Mr. Stahnke finished up his lecture I sat up to pay attention (read: wonder what color shirt David was wearing that day.) While listening (daydreaming) and taking notes (drawing hearts all over my History book cover) I was also indulging in my most recent learned and totally weird behavior: flipping my retainer over and over while inside my mouth. I don't know how or WHY I started such a disgusting thing. Especially since I am “weird” about mouths. But no matter, the habit continued this day.

Flip….flip….David…..flip…flip….Normandy…flip…flip…blue eyes…flip…flip…flip…urk.

The retainer had slipped in my mouth.
And swiveled to one side.
And slipped partially down my throat.
And the back hook of the retainer, in an attempt to retrieve it while sitting in the middle of a classroom full of my friends, had pierced my tonsil and was not budging.

I did not panic.

Actually, I really didn’t.
I sat and waited patiently for class to end with my head tipped slightly up and my mouth quickly filling with saliva.
Man he is talking a long time today.
Will this be over soon?
I can’t believe this is happening.

Class was over, the bell rang and I s-l-o-w-l-y packed my backpack. I waited for everyone to leave and I walked up to my teacher and plainly stated:

“Ister Anke, I alloed eye eainer.”
(Translation: “Mister Stahnke, I swallowed my retainer.”)

“What?”

“I alloed eye ee-a-iner.”

“Oh my GOSH!”

Mister Stahnke grabbed my arm and hustled me quickly toward the office. Through the teacher’s entrance (!!) and he kept asking me, “Can you breathe? Are you OK?” But I wasn’t really in the best position to answer.

The nurse didn’t know what to do with me but she sent me into the bathroom to see if I could retrieve the offensive retainer from my VERY offended mouth. I won’t go into the gross details but they involved blood, saliva and a lot of talking through the door with the nurse when she finally decided to call my mom. My mom then called my orthodontist (giving a shout out to Dr. Okmin!!) and when I sat in the chair with my orthodontist and almost all his staff peering down my throat he said, “In my 30 years of orthodontia, I have never seen ANYTHING like this."

It is always nice to be noticed.