Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The One Where I Sweat...A Lot.

I had my 6 month Baby Cooking doctor's appointment today. And I got to bring a guest. Two of them, actually. Both under the age of 5. (Have you guessed who I am talking about yet?) I decided that instead of dreading it, I would go in armed and ready. (But not until after calling a couple of friends and whining about taking my kids to the doctor's office with me-I am not superwoman.)

I hit Target's Dollar Spot and loaded up with a few Cars Movie items and some Hello Kitty stuff. I was totally ready. Bring it on.

Then I sat down to the laptop to work. Errr, to edit pictures. OK, fine, I was hopping from blog to blog on the NaBloPoMo Randomizer. It was then that Outlook popped the reminder up that not only did I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for today, I also had my glucose tolerance test. Drink the orange swill 1 hour before you get stuck with a needle. I had to do math: My appointment is at 9, I need blood drawn before the appointment, so save 15 minutes for that so I need to be there at 8:45(!) and needed to drink the swill at 7:45(!!) Orange glucose swill-the breakfast of champions.

The kids ate breakfast, were dressed and hair combed in time. Amazing. It is ALWAYS important to make sure you kids are EXTRA good looking when you have to take them to "grown up places." This will buy them a little extra leverage in case they act up a little bit. Comb the boy's hair just like Daddy's. Make sure the girl's curls are extra extra curly. And dressing them up kind of alike? Bonus points. We had fulfilled all of the necessary criteria and were off.

The kids were quiet in the lab. Nathan didn't try and dance moves while in the waiting room and Lucy didn't sneak any viles (full or otherwise) into her purse when they called us back. Nathan's eyes did get as wide as saucers when the needle went in my arm. I watched him very closely but no fainting. And Lucy was too busy charming the man in the chair next to me to care what was happening with Mommy. The nurses adored both kids and showered them with obnoxious Power Ranger and Bratz stickers. Onward and Upward! To the doctor's office to further challenge the limits of my children's obedience!

I don't know what made me forget about this but when I checked in at the desk, they handed me my receipt (my insurance makes me pay a copay for every visit-does that totally stink or what?!) and my sticker and said, "OK, you know what to do with THIS, right?"

Oh yeah. Pee in a cup.
Can't leave the kids in the waiting room alone.
Don't trust them enough to stand outside the door of the bathroom while I take care of business.
OK, everyone in!

"Mommy, what's the cup for?"
"I have to go potty in it, Nathan. Lucy! Don't touch ANYthing!"
"Why Mommy?"
"To be sure that Mommy is healthy and not sick. Lucy Joy! Do NOT touch those cups!"
"What do they do with the potties, Mommy?"
"They take them to a lab and-you know what? Everyone stand right over here in the corner. Hands in your pockets. OK, good."

I did my duty and got to see the giant eyes from the blood lab again:
"Mommy! That's your POTTIES!!!"
Incredible amounts of laughter ensue. As did the questions from both kids:
"Can I see it? Can I see your potties? What do you do with it? Who is going to come and get it? Why is there another cup of potties in that cabinet? Can I see the potties again? Can I close the cabinet door?"

"Hey guys! Did you see the special soap they have here on the wall for us? Everyone get some special soap!" (Hand sanitizer.)

The rest of our wait was very uneventful. It involved my son being quite charming with a young woman and her new baby saying the sweetest things that made me want to just kiss him all over. Our name was called and we went back to the exam room.

"Everyone follow the nurse she's the leader! OK, through the door! Everyone through the-" Oh no.

I look around me.
I see a gown and a drape on the exam table.
I see instruments, jars and other paraphernalia that if I went on to describe, I would lose any of the male readers I happen to have. Especially my dad.

I text David as the nurse left the room: "PELVIC EXAM!!!!!! PELVIC EXAM!!!!!!!!"

I got back: "oh no. i hope the kids are good for you."

Did you notice the difference in punctuation? In capitalization? I have a feeling my husband was having a good long laugh at my expense.

The doctor comes in, is peppered with all kinds of questions from both children. Including Lucy who wanted to see the "special machine" that we were using to hear the baby's heartbeat. I, myself had only 1 question on my mind:

"Um, er, doctor? Uh, I know this is kind of presumptuous but, uhhhhh, is there any, um, chance we can do the pelvic exam, uh, at another appointment? You know, one that I don't have my children with me?" Cue the flop sweat.

The doctor-not my regular, laid back guy but the tight ship running, keeps-talking-to-you-even-when-the-kids-are-also-talking-to-you doctor-tilted her head to one side and gave me an odd look. I wondered if I had spoken to her in Toddler Language instead of normal English. She opened her mouth and said these glorious words, "Oh no, the girls are just efficient and always set the room up with anything we need. We won't need to do an exam like that till you reach 32 weeks."

Cue more flop sweat. But this is the good kind, the kind of relief.
I found myself almost crossing that Line of Inappropriateness once again. What's that about? Can I blame it on hormones?


  1. seriously I'm exhausted just reading it!

  2. It's fun isn't it? LOL Luckily Jared is older but he still makes me nervous going to places like that. I knew for sure that with the kids there, I was NOT having a pelvic exam & I was right. I didn't know I had to pee in a cup every time & was sort of scolded about that :)

    BTW, where do you go to the doctor & where will you deliver? (nosy enough for ya? :))

  3. Seriously, I am exhausted too! Actually at times I even felt stressed and so relieved for your sake that there was NO pelvic exam. OMG can you imagine all the questions you would of gotten from Nate?!! AND trust me he would of talked about it at school tomorrow too!!!!!

  4. Seriously, I have lived this...with the girls in tow. Glad everything was kosher and not a school show and tell for tomorrow!

  5. Ok good! I was gonna say...what the heck! Because as I understood it you really shouldn't be probed and all that until you're closer to delivery. In fact, I don't think I was until 36 weeks. But in any case. I am thrilled that your 4 year old son didn't get to watch mommy get...yah. That coulda been traumatic.

  6. I was nervous for you as I read along thinking, "Why are they doing one of those exams at that visit?" Usually the orange swill is enough torture for one visit! I'm so thankful to see that it was a mistake and all was not revealed, so to speak! ;-)

    I recently found your blog and I am thoroughly enjoying it! Keep up the great posts!! They are a hoot!

  7. Did I tell you that my last um...appointment was with Doogie Howser? Yeah. Young. And he went to UCSB a.k.a. The Party School.

    Long story short - I felt like we were playing drinking games.

    I'll tell you the rest in person.

  8. did you see Dr. Chin at this appointment? .. because if you did that is totally him talks to you when the kids are talking to you, no nonsense cut to the chase type of guy....Kristen